Disarm
by emication
Summary: Duo and Heero haven't seen each other for seven years, and Duo realized that he wants Heero back, but will Heero accept him?


Title: Disarm  
  
Author: Vinyl Koneko (Emily), roguegirl@att.net  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: 2+1, past 1x2x1, language, slight angst, possible WAFF-tiness  
  
Archive: Want it? Take it. Just give me credit, please.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I just like to play with them and make them play with each other. This song isn't mine, either, for that matter. "Disarm" is actually owned by the Smashing Pumpkins from the CD Siamese Dream.  
  
Comments: *Emphasis*, //lyrics//, 'thoughts', [flashback], /written/. I've been really sick and busy and my muses have just sort of fled of all the stress from the past month, so this fic is kinda to coax them out of their hiding places so I can finish ZER0 before I have to leave for the summer, so please, be honest with what you think. I haven't written in a month. I need to know if all talent I might have had has fled or if I'm still in the green. ^_~ Enjoy!  
  
*~**~*  
  
'I can remember the beginning of the war, way back when Heero and I first met. It wasn't the typical storybook romance, love at first sight encounter or anything, but we met in the war, and no matter how hard you try, there's nothing magical and romantic about war. Time didn't slow down and the birds didn't start singing, the flowers opening to the sky to witness something special, something precious. Nothing like that happened at all. I actually shot at him. Managed to hit him twice, too, and it was honestly self-defense and me trying to be the hero on Relena's behalf. Boy is that fate or what?'  
  
Duo leaned back as far as he could in his seat, trying his best to stretch in the confined shuttle. He hated commercial flights. No personal space and the recycled oxygen got to your head after a while. At least when he was the one *flying* the shuttle he had other things occupying his mind besides how close the person next to you is and if it's really worth it to squeeze from your window seat past two people, tripping over toes and carry-on luggage, just to use the closet of a latrine in the back.  
  
Duo sighed. 'We'll be there in an hour anyway. I can wait.' He looked out of the viewport again, zoning out on the stars hundreds of lightyears away.  
  
'Earth and her colonies have known peace for seven years now. Seven years... Has it really been that long? Feels like I just saw you yesterday, Heero. Wing Zero in bad shape and firing at every shot you made, but somehow surviving long enough to do the job. Surviving long enough for you to save the world once more.  
  
'Life was easier for us during the war. We lived for the moment because it could be our last. We didn't stay in one location for too long, so schools, jobs, whatever were always temporary. Heero and I became each others' best friend whether we admitted it to ourselves consciously or not. We were lost boys in charge of changing the times, of making a difference. All that pressure put on us, it was no wonder we turned to each other for comfort. It was convenient. It was necessary to continue existing at the pace we lived at.  
  
'We could express ourselves privately, knowing it was all in secrecy. You fed off of my tears and joy as much as I fed off of yours, and slowly but steadily, we wore down each others' masks. Wore them down so that wearing them around others got to be uncomfortable. That was our marks on each other more than anything. The person under the masks after they were cut off.'  
  
// disarm you with a smile  
and cut you like you want me to  
cut that little child   
inside of me and such a part of you //  
  
'Heero was seventeen when I last saw him. We went our separate ways after the Mariemaia debacle. In my mind's eye I still see him the way he looked seven years ago, but we've all grown up now. I just have a hard time imagining Heero as a twenty-four year old man. None of us thought we'd last that long.  
  
'I don't know why I'm going now after not seeing him for so long. I always knew where he was, and I always knew how to contact him, but I just never took advantage of it. It felt good just knowing he was there without any physical evidence. That and I had no idea how I'd react just to see those deep sapphire eyes or to hear his voice. Or how he'd react to see me. If he'd remember all those nights so long ago we'd spent in each others' arms.  
  
'I never felt like Heero had abandoned me all those years ago. I call it personal space until we've discovered what we really want with our lives. I always thought self-discovery was an instant kind of thing. Like minute rice or something. But it really isn't. It takes time and opportunity. You don't realize what you needed to survive until it's been taken away.  
  
'And it's taken me seven years to realize that about Heero.'  
  
// oh oh oh, the years burn  
oh oh oh, the years burn //  
  
Duo looked down at his watch, noting that he still had forty-five minutes until their approximated time of arrival. The inter-colony shuttles were space's version of Italian trains. They were just never on time[1]. An asteroid could have gotten knocked off orbit and thrown into their trajectory, forcing a change it route that would take them hours out of their way when all that was required was a little creative manuevering for a minute or two. 'Maybe I could convince Quatre to buy out the shuttle companies and put me in charge.'  
  
To say Duo was anxious to see Heero again was an understatement. He was tempted to run up and down the center aisle just to burn off the sudden energy he was getting, but the flight attendents would probably frown on them. He had been moody earlier and had complained obnoxiously about being served a diet soda when he had asked for regular, using the excuse that sugar supplements made him nauseous[2].  
  
'Heero would be laughing at me right now, with where I started in life and where I am now. I had to stowaway on shuttles to get anywhere, not allowed to move even a muscle or else the motion sensors in the storage compartments would notice and there was a chance I'd get caught, and at this moment, it's an effort to hold still for two seconds. It's all his fault. All of my learned survival techniques wasted.' Duo frowned as memories sprang to mind unbidden.  
  
[A twelve-year-old Duo was waiting in the shadows of the night, trying his hardest to not be seen by the security guards on patrol across the street. He spun around at a sharp pull on his arm.  
  
"Hey, kid," Duo couldn't make out the man's features, but his breath reeked of cigarettes and alcohol. "What do you deal? Skin or drugs?"  
  
The braided boy shook out of his grip. "Neither so fuck off."  
  
The man snorted. "How 'bout fifty bucks for that dirty little mouth of yours?"  
  
Duo just ignored him, watching as the building's guards shifted again like they had been every hour for the past three hours. He needed to find the perfect window to get in and then back out unnoticed, which meant watching all the nightshifts until someone fell asleep on the job. Nobody had so far, though, and he was getting sick of standing in the cold.  
  
"Won't help ya by pretending I'm not here," the man growled, grabbing Duo by his hair and yanking fiercely. This action made Duo's indigo eyes darken in anger, the strength within him he had come to call Shinigami coming to control, causing him to spinn away from the man and get back close enough to knee him hard in the groin before running down a dark alleyway of the streets he knew better than anything else.]  
  
// I used to be a little boy  
so old in my shoes //  
  
Duo leaned forward in the seat, elbows on his knees with his head in his hands. 'Shit, not now. I don't want to remember now. My past can be left behind. It's all about the present and future now.' That seemed to calm him for the moment. Duo wasn't even sure what had triggered the particular memory, but then all of a sudden, it clicked.  
  
That had been the last straw. He got sick and tired of what he put up with, so he snuck aboard the next shuttle to leave the colony, which just happened to be G's. That's when things started to change for him. That's when life began to turn around. That was the moment that decided what was going to change in his life, how he was to become something more than an unknown street rat who had to steal to survive.  
  
'Heero...'  
  
// and what I choose is my choice  
what's a boy supposed to do? //  
  
Duo stole another glance to his wrist. 'Twenty-three minutes. Please just be there, that's all I can ask.'  
  
Duo had gone back to the salvage yard with Hilde the moment he got off Earth, but the practical ease and tranquility of the job got on his nerves. He needed something more, and he still needed to feel needed, so he joined Preventers and got set up in the L2 branch, helping the colony and its citizens rebuild.  
  
He had more free time, surprisingly, since he just received orders and gave them to the agents under him. This gave Duo the time he needed to search for Heero. It only took him two days to hack into the database, and found out that shortly after he joined Preventers, Heero did, as well, for the L1 branch.  
  
[Duo smiled to himself. "It looks like you just can't keep a soldier down."]  
  
All five of them had contributed to Preventers in some way or another. Quatre was the only one of the former-Gundam pilots who didn't become an active officer, but he did supply a good chunk of the funding the agency worked off of. They all had the same guilt, so they all saw a similar mean of paying back the damage they had caused.  
  
// the killer in me is the killer in you //  
  
Duo reached into the breast pocket of his shirt, pulling out a photograph from the past. Relena, the queen supreme she is[3], had a week-long party in the Sanc Kingdom, or at least the parts of it that hadn't been demolished by Romefeller. It was like Mardi Gras in New Orleans but more of an expression of relief and joy than an actual celebration. There were huge parties in the streets, of course, but the air wasn't as festive as it could have been.  
  
The picture was of Duo and Heero, in an area somewhat outside the partying, sharing a tender, and for the most part chaste, kiss. Duo still had no idea where the photograph itself came from. It just showed up in an envelope with his mail one day, lacking a return address, but the image has been his constant companion ever since. The corners are folded in and the edges are flimsy, but it still was enough to bring a soft smile to Duo's face whenever he looked at it. He could remember how he felt at that precise moment, and it warmed him and made him happy until he'd get back to his empty apartment, have dinner alone, and go to sleep on a bed that was by far too large for just one person.  
  
// my love I send this smile over to you //  
  
'It took me this long to realize that what I felt for you, Heero, was far beyond lust or friendship or infatuation. I loved you. I still love you. I pray to a god I don't believe in that I'll always love you.   
  
'I just want to be able to show up at wherever you're staying, and if everything goes out the way I want it to, you won't be home. This way I can take out my handy-dandy lockpicks and get in without you ever suspecting anything was amiss.   
  
'I want you to return, hungry, exhausted, muscles stiff from whatever you have to do all day, everyday, week after week. I'll be sitting at the kitchen table, a stir fry dinner in front of me because I know you like it and I know I can't screw it up. I'll tell you to sit down and eat, and you won't be surprised to see me.   
  
'We'll eat in relative silence for a little while until curiosity gets the best of you and you ask me what I've been up to, which is your little Heero way of asking me why I suddenly showed up after seven years without any word otherwise. I'll tell you what I've been rehearsing in my head over and over again since I got on the shuttle, since I first started to create this moment. I say, Heero, I've been doing a lot of running and hiding lately, and all its done is gotten me farther and farther from the truth. I should've realized it sooner, and I hope it isn't too late. Heero, I love you.  
  
'And then you'll smile at me. That smile will set off my defenses more than anything you could have done. I accept the possibility that I might cry at least once, and I hope it's then, when you smile so beautifully in my direction.  
  
'I hope you'll tell me that you love me, as well, but that might be expecting to much of you. That's when I'll get up and go to bed, in your bedroom, which will be our silent agreement. We'll go back to the way things were after the war if you join me in bed. We'll go our separate ways if you sleep on the couch.'  
  
// disarm you with a smile  
and leave you like they left me here  
to wither in denial  
the bitterness of one who's left alone //  
  
"This is the captain. We will be docking momentarily; I hope you enjoyed the flight. At this point in the flight, your tray-tables and seats should be in their locked and upright positions, and your safety belts should be secured. Thank you, and enjoy the rest of your day."  
  
The anxiety grew into apprehension as the colony Heero was recorded to be on loomed closer and closer until it swallowed up the shuttle, the cold metal walls resembling the mouth of some gigantic beast.  
  
'It's been such a long time.'  
  
// oh oh oh, the years burn  
oh oh oh, the years burn, burn, burn //  
  
Duo unboarded the shuttle quickly, rushing to the baggage claim and jumping from foot to foot as bag after bag after back that came down the chute wasn't his. Finally he spotted his, grabbing it, and running out the door. He spotted a cab almost immediately and hailed it, telling the driver the faster he got to the apartment complex, the larger the tip would be.  
  
The driver took several side streets, going by the areas of the colony that had been ruined by war, the people having to live a hard life just to survive. Duo had been there before, even though it seemed like a lifetime ago. An image of Solo sprang to mind, and how the boy had taken Duo under his wing, teaching him the best ways to steal.  
  
["It's *who* ya steal from that matters, not *where*. An' stealing has several different forms. You're small and quick, so this'll all come easier to ya, kid, but just keep in mind, who, not where."]  
  
Duo had never gotten caught. He was just too good. He had learned early on that pick-pocketing was useless because no store clerk ever believed that a scrubby little kid had earnest money. Breaking and entering was just easier, especially when you had the talent to break in without anyone ever noticing. That was when Duo started fashioning lockpicks.  
  
He shook away the memories once more. He didn't want to remember anything because eventually he'd remember something that would make him miserable, and he needed to keep his smile on. If not for himself, then at least for Heero.  
  
// I used to be a little boy   
so old in my shoes  
and what I choose is my voice   
what's a boy supposed to do? //  
  
'Emotions were hard for the both of us. Heero just locked everything away. I made it look like I was being open to everyone so no one would worry, keeping my true feelings out of the light. That's what a rough life does to you. You hear stories about soldiers messed up after a war, but the war wasn't our scapegoat. It was our childhoods. Heero's was his training. Mine was my past. We allowed each other to untrain and forget, all the while fighting a war.  
  
'We kept track of our kills after every mission. You wouldn't think the kills add up very quickly, but they do. Especially since the Gundam easily defeated any MS in its way.'  
  
// the killer in me is the killer in you //  
  
The driver announced that they had reached their destination, pulling into the parking lot. Duo thanked him, pulling out the first bill he found, a fifty. The driver stuttered in disbelief, but Duo waved him off, pulling his luggage out of the trunk and heading into the building.  
  
"Excuse me," Duo flashed the most charming smile he could muster at the moment to the girl at the front desk. "Could you tell me which room Heero Yuy is in? He's a good friend of mine, and he sent me the address but never mentioned which apartment was his." 'I guess that isn't a *complete* lie...'  
  
"Mr. Yuy is in 631. Would you like me to call and tell him you are on your way up?"  
  
Duo shook his head. "No, that's okay. This is a surprise visit. He doesn't know I'm coming."  
  
"Oh. Well then, have a nice day."  
  
Duo smiled once again before getting into the elevator, selecting the sixth floor. His knees felt weak all of a sudden, like they couldn't support his weight, and Duo was sure he was going to start hyperventilating at any moment. He got out of the elevator car carefully, and when his legs seemed to work again he hurried down the hall, going past 631 to skid to a halt and turn back to the room.  
  
// my love I send this smile over to you //  
  
The room proved a little more difficult to break into without damaging anything. The apartment complex seemed to used keycards instead of regular keys, so Duo had to break out the heavy duty, Preventers issue equipment that he wasn't supposed to take from the facility. He stuck in a blank card which took the programmed numbers from the lock. Then the formerly-blank card went into a computer where it read the data and transferred it to another blank card which would be able to open the door. Duo made the gizmo himself. Preventers just didn't know that he kept one of the copies that were made from the blueprints he sold them.  
  
Duo crossed his fingers, hoping nothing malfunctioned, and the light on the lock turned green, telling him that it was unlocked and he was free to enter.  
  
// the killer in me is the killer in you  
send this smile over to you //  
  
The apartment was neat and clean and surprisingly spacious. Duo couldn't understand why Heero would need all that space, but a little voice in the back of his head kept telling him that it was plenty of space for the two of them. He put his bag down in the living room and did a little exploring to get the layout.  
  
After finding the bedroom and bathroom, Duo moved his stuff to the bedroom closet so it was out of the way. He was about to go make dinner when something caught his eye. There was a photograph on a bookshelf, and closer inspection caused Duo to gasp. It was the same image as the one in his pocket, only this one wasn't cropped to fit in a wallet. Heero's version was framed and looked like it was in mint condition. Duo smiled softly, going out to the kitchen in an attempt to make a consumable dinner.  
  
// the killer in me is the killer in you  
send this smile over to you //  
  
Forty-five minutes later, everything was all set and on the table. Duo wondered if turning down the lights a little would be too much and decided against it. Duo sat at the table, quietly and patiently, waiting for his Heero to return.  
  
'I hope he doesn't have to work late tonight. Knowing Heero, he gets in all the extra hours he can. I hope he comes home on time tonight. I can imagine the look on his face if he came home and I'm asleep in a plateful of ramen.'  
  
Duo kept crossing and uncrossing his arms across his chest and shifting in the seat. 'Damn it, Duo, it's only been five minutes! Will you chill already or you'll go insane!'  
  
He angled his head to the door and sighed. 'Why am I here? Maybe Heero's seeing someone. It's not like we acted like we were together or anything ever. Maybe I'm just deluding myself that he could have felt something for me. Just leading myself on like I always do, bringing myself to make the biggest mistakes possi-'  
  
Duo thought he heard something and stopped his mental berating to listen. There was someone outside the door. He could hear a shuffle of cloth and the clicking sound of the keycard being slid in and out of the slot. Duo gulped nervously. 'Okay, here we go.'  
  
Heero saw him the second after he shut the door. Sapphire met amethyst in a flurry of emotion, neither actually expressing anything, but their eyes saying all that needed to be said.  
  
Duo gently cleared his throat. "I, uh, made dinner if you're hungry."  
  
// the killer in me is the killer in you  
send this smile over to you //  
  
The Japanese man sat down carefully, as if he didn't believe that Duo was actually sitting in front of him. They ate in complete silence, each one mentally appraising the other, seeing how they changed and how they didn't. Heero was definitely taller. Not as tall as Duo was, but still tall. He filled out a lot more, shoulders broader, and from the way his uniform clung to his body, Heero was probably stronger than he had been before. Duo felt self-conscious all of a sudden when he realized that Heero was looking him over, as well.  
  
"So, Duo," Heero started cautiously, testing the waters, "what have you been up to?"  
  
Any prelude to what Duo had to say was immediately forgotten in the face of the actually situation. "Heero, I love you!" he exclaimed, spitting the words out quickly and stopping just as fast, waiting for Heero to deny what he said. Waiting for his heart to break.  
  
Duo looked up, shyly, not realizing that his gaze had wandered to his empty plate after the confession. His gaze met Heero's again, and Duo tried his hardest to put as much sincerity in his expression as he could manage.  
  
Heero stood up slowly, going over to look out the bay windows that looked out over the colony in the living room. Duo stood up carefully, standing slightly to the left and behind Heero, not know if he should say anything.   
  
Heero turned to face him, a smile gracing his handsome features. A smile that promised kindness, love, and a future worth sticking around for. Duo flung his arms around Heero's neck, leaning down into his embrace, muffling apologies for all the time spent apart and how he would make it up to him. Duo didn't even realize he was crying until Heero forced him to look at him and Duo noticed the wet spots on Heero's shoulder.  
  
"Duo, shhh, just stop. I love you, as well, always, and you're here now. That's all that matters."  
  
"You love me?"  
  
Heero nodded, still smiling softly, and this time, Duo smiled back.  
  
*~**~*  
  
Owari  
  
Wow. That probably sucked, neh? That's what happens when you haven't written in a month! I'm so ashamed. Oh well. On with the footnotes because they're down here:  
  
[1] My parents used to live in Italy and the buses/trains/trolleys etc. were never ever ever on time. My mom said that the only good thing Mussolini did back in WWII was make the buses/trains/trolleys etc. run on time, and of course, since he was all chummy with Hitler, that was the only good thing he did. That's some trivia for you.  
[2] ::raises hand:: They do that to me. I can tell the difference between diet and regular more than the average person because diet makes my head feel swirly and it's weird. I don't know why. I might be allergic or something.  
[3] Huggles and brownie points to whoever gets the reference. 


End file.
